Day 3: In Which We Meet The Evil Fat Tramp of Scowdown Valley

Day 3 of my writing challenge. Read the efforts of Day 1 and Day 2 first, so that this part makes sense!

The Evil Fat Tramp of Scowdown Valley was keen to drop the “Fat” from her title. She had engaged the services of a local dietician and put herself through a rather gruelling exercise regime. However, she had an insatiable sweet tooth, and one trip past the candy store was enough to send her back to square one (or to be more accurate, up to square let’s-not-name-the-figure).

From a very young age, she had always been in the shadow of her taller, thinner and infinitely-more-skilled-at-the-art-of-evil sister – The Old Hag from Glargistan. Their’s was a tale of sibling rivalry in its most one-sided form; there was never any real competition between the two. The Old Hag was unbeatable in all senses.

The fact that King Pompotti had summoned her and not her sister, was a source of great joy (and although she would never admit it – even greater surpirse) for the Evil Fat Tramp. She had donned her foulest, evil-est looking cape (which was, unfortunately getting a bit stretched around the waist) and hurried off to the Pompotti Castle.

King Pompotti was in a terrible rage when the Evil Fat Tramp arrived. Very Influential People become Very Agitated when things they need to get done, are not getting done.

“I need you to curse that wretched girl!” He shouted, as soon as the Evil Fat Tramp entered his room.

“Of course, your majesty.” The Evil Fat Tramp gave a gracious low bow, which didn’t really manage to be very gracious at all. Furthermore, her overstretched cape chose that very moment to give up on her, and tore with a very loud, echoing rip.

King Pompotti sneered in disgust. “Please, maintain some decorum. I knew your sister would have been a better choice.”

“Your majesty, I assure you that anything my sister can do, I can do better!”

King Pompotti snorted. “How about fifty sit-ups?”

The comment, the Evil Fat Tramp felt, was rather uncalled for. She tried to brush it off as she pointed out, “Well, you must have chosen me for a reason, your majesty!”

“Yes. The reason being that your sister is foolishly infatuated with the parents of that wretched Princess Sweetheart. I trust you have no similar disease of the heart?”

The Evil Fat Tramp shook her head vigorously. “Most certainly not, your majesty! What would you like me to do?”

“I need you to teach their foul-mouthed offspring a lesson. Curse her like you’ve never cursed anyone before!”

“Of course, your majesty!” The Evil Fat Tramp chose not to disclose the fact that she had actually never cursed anyone before. Curses were a Big Deal in the world of evil, and all things that were a Big Deal got offered to her sister instead. The Evil Fat Tramp had only ever received requests for minor hexes and the like, jobs that her dearest sister deemed to be too menial.

But she could do this, she was sure of it. This was her one big chance to prove her evil-ness to the world, and she was determined not to mess it up. It was time to brush the dust off her copy of ‘An Idiot’s Guide to Curses’.

(That the book was written by her sister was a fact that the Evil Fat Tramp tried to forget. She had even tried to burn her sister’s name off the cover, numerous times. However, it would always re-appear five minutes later. Damn her sister and her superior skills.)

If the Evil Fat Tramp had her way, Princess Sweetheart’s life was about to become very difficult, indeed…

To Be Continued…

Day 2: In Which the Princess Insults an Influential Baby

Day 2 of my writing challenge. Read the efforts of Day 1 here.

There were many things that irritated Princess Sweetheart. Birdsong in the mornings. Too much syrup on her pancakes. Her stupid, stupid name. But none of these things irritated her quite so much as babies did. Silly, gurgling, what-on-earth-is-all-the-fuss-about babies. Smelly, crying, pooping babies. Seriously, she could never understand why most human beings within a five foot radius of a screeching infant suddenly seemed to drop twenty IQ points.

“Listen! She’s saying Mama!”

Princess Sweetheart stared down at the fat baby that was being shoved towards her arms. “Really?” She raised an eyebrow. “I didn’t hear Mama.”

“Wait, she’ll say it again, won’t you Mama? Mami-mama-googoo-baby, yes you will!” The baby’s mother proceeded to gargle in a language that sounded pretty repugnant to Princess Sweetheart’s ears. In the midst of this, the baby did blurt something out.

“I think I heard it this time.”

“Isn’t it just adorable? Mama.”

“I heard mammoth.”

“Excuse-me?”

“Mammoth. As in huge, humongous. Maybe he’s noticed that you haven’t managed to shift your baby weight.”

Her eyes flared viciously. “I’ve lost six pounds this week! AND SHE’S A GIRL!”

Princess Sweetheart shrugged. “Easy mistake. Babies all look the same, anyway.” She peered down at the tubby infant. “Although, your kid does have an unusually large nose. What did the doctor say about that?”

The exchange that followed must be censored, dear reader. Let’s just say the mother was not at all pleased that her darling baby was being insulted in such a blunt fashion. And Princess Sweetheart was never one to shy away from a heated argument. Things got pretty nasty, very quickly.

As unpleasant as all of this was, it might not have been all that catastrophic in usual circumstances. However, the circumstances were not at all usual. Princess Sweetheart had not just insulted any ordinary baby. She had insulted a VIB (Very Influential Baby). The baby in question was the child of King Pompotti, who was the most influential and important King in all the lands far, far away. As he was so influential and important, people actually saw very little of him – influential and important equals busy, busy. In fact, he was so busy that he had never actually met the King and Queen of Pleasantville. His secretary had always handled all the necessary correspondence.

The invitation that landed Princess Sweetheart in King Pompotti’s castle was actually in the name of her parents. Unfortunately, since they had both come down with the flu and were unable to attend the festivities, they sent their daughter as their representative.

Big mistake.

(To the credit of the King and Queen of Pleasantville, along with their daughter, they had also sent thirty bunches of flowers, five baskets full of the Queen’s scones and the most charming and endearing ‘sorry we couldn’t make it’ note. Unbeknownst to them, Princess Sweetheart had chucked out the flowers since the smell made her nauseous, ate the scones because the journey made her hungry and threw out the note just for the sheer hell of it.)

King Pompotti had not yet had the chance to be enchanted by the niceness of Princess Sweetheart’s parents. However, one thing was for certain – Princess Sweetheart had enraged him (dear reader, here’s a free tip: don’t insult babies in front of their parents – it will never lead to Good Things).

Princess Sweetheart was promptly kicked out of the castle, which was no bad thing in her view, since the entire household of Pompotti seemed like dreadful bores. Little did she know, no more than five minutes after she had left the premises, another person had been summoned to the castle by the King’s orders…

The Evil Fat Tramp of Scowdown Valley…

To Be Continued

Day 1: In Which the Princess has no USP

Day 1 of my writing challenge. I spent far more time thinking about what I wanted to write than actually writing. The ideas that I mulled the most over all got thrown in the bin. The story below marks the beginning of an entirely random and unplanned adventure. Enjoy :).

The King and Queen of Pleasantville were the nicest, sweetest couple in all the lands far, far away. They were never at war with neighbouring kingdoms, since no-one had the heart to argue with folk who were so polite (and the Queen’s delightful scones were an instant pacifier for even the meanest souls). Their citizens were equally cheerful, since the generosity of their rulers knew no limits (four day weekends and free healthcare, to name a few perks). And ever since the King sent him a giant fire-resistant patchwork blanket for his birthday, the Evil Dragon of Garswick Mountains stopped using his fire-breathing for destruction and became the local co-ordinator for bonfire nights and barbecues instead.

However, amidst all the sunshine and laughter, all was not well. The King and Queen had a big problem. Their daughter, Princess Sweetheart, was without a USP (Unique Selling Point). Now, it is a truth universally acknowledged in all the lands far, far away that all eligible princes in possession of dashing smiles must be in want of a princess with a USP. Rapunzel had her golden locks, Sleeping Beauty was immune to alarm clocks and Princess Luna of the neighbouring kingdom of Lipton had a singing voice like the bark of a wolf.

How does one come to develop a USP? Simple – you need to make someone very evil, very angry. Tick off a bitter old witch – and bam! She’ll curse your dear princess behind. Annoy an evil stepmother – and score! That poisoned orange juice at brunch will enchant you away to a solitary tower somewhere in a land ever further, further away.

Without a USP, princes do not come-a-calling. Fact.

The King and Queen of Pleasantville simply found themselves unable to make anyone angry. All villains and witches directed their evil plans towards other kingdoms, and saved all their good, poison-free apples for their visits to Pleasantville (especially the Old Hag from Glargistan, who was an avid farmer in her spare time).

The years passed, and Princess Sweetheart edged ever closer to her thirtieth birthday, still without a USP to her name. The King and Queen became ever more anxious that their sweet, beloved daughter was to remain a lonesome spinster for life.

But here’s the dealio, dear reader: Princess Sweetheart was not ‘sweet’ at all. In fact, she was perfectly horrid. Her parents were blindly oblivious to this; in their eyes she was the sweetest of darlings. And since they were the nicest folks that ever were, nobody had the heart to break it to them that they had given birth to a certified meanie. Grumpy, scowling and deeply anti-social; Princess Sweetheart was the antithesis of her name. Many a villain found themselves tempted to curse her after making her acquaintance, but the sweet nature of her parents had somehow managed to shield her from evil throughout her life. As much as she was nasty, their niceness just always seemed to balance it all out.

However, Princess Sweetheart’s luck (of lack of, depending on your perspective) was about to run out. The fateful month of her thirtieth birthday is where our story really begins…

To Be Continued…

Just shut up and write

There’s a recurring internal monologue that I’ve been having with myself recently. Every now and then, I lament at my lack of creative output and then find my mind conjuring up the excuse that I’m just too busy to find time to be creative. In truth, it’s a pretty shoddy excuse. If I accumulate my minutes of procrastination throughout the day, the end figure is embarrassingly hefty. If I wanted, I could easily take thirty minutes out of that time and spend it writing.

So why don’t I? The truth is less flattering than the shoddy excuse: I’ve become lazy and I give up too quickly. Five minutes staring at the blinking cursor on my screen is enough to make me click on my browser and internet-procrastinate for a while instead. Ten minutes later, the focus is lost and the motivation is gone. Blargh.

So, I have decided to set myself a challenge for the following week. I’m going to spend 30 minutes writing every day, for the next seven days. I’ll post the results on the blog (be kind, don’t laugh, *insert disclaimers of being rusty/out of practice/not too great here*) to be gawked at by the interweb and the one or two kindly folk who take a minute or two to peruse my rambles.

Go me! Self high-five!

Ok, a self-high five is, in effect, a solitary clap – which is a bit lonesome and sad. So I’ll stick with a Happy Face.

:)

Calories

If I ever open a bakery, I’m going to frame this quote and put it behind the counter.

Oreo Cupcakes

A kid kicked these cupcakes. They were prettily boxed up (bought these in bulk :P) and in a bag, I was in the queue in Boots and just put down the bag so that I could pay. And then he ran up, peeked at the cupcakes and kicked them. I don’t know whether this meant that a) he disliked the look of the cupcakes or b) he was just a brat. My money is on b), because how could anyone dislike Oreos AND cream cheese frosting? If you do, maybe you need to reassess your views on life. Or maybe just make these cupcakes.

Oreo Cupcakes

Adapted from ‘Love Bakery‘ (for the cakes) and the Hummingbird Bakery Cookbook (for the frosting).

 

Makes 12 cupcakes

 

For the cupcakes:

60g unsalted butter, at room temperature

150g caster sugar

1 medium egg, at room temperature

20g cocoa powder, sifted

150g plain flour, sifted

140ml buttermilk

2¼ teaspoons of baking powder

4½ teaspoons white vinegar

½ teaspoon vanilla extract

 

For the frosting:

300g icing sugar, sifted

50g unsalted butter, at room temperature

125g cream cheese, cold

3 Oreo biscuits, crushed

 

1. Preheat the oven to 180°C/350°F/Gas Mark 4.

2. With an electric mixer, cream together the butter and sugar until light and fluffy. This should take at least 5 minutes. Be patient!

3. Add the egg to the mixture and mix well.

4. Add the cocoa powder and mix until incorporated.

5. Add the flour and buttermilk and mix until incorporated. Do not overmix after this stage, as this will result in the flour releasing too much gluten – resulting in a tough, stodgy cake. Nobody wants that!

6. Add the baking powder, white vinegar and vanilla extract and mix until everything is well incorporated.

7. Line a muffin tin with 12 muffin cases and fill each one no more than two thirds full.

8. Bake for 25 minutes. The cupcakes are done when the tops spring back after pressing them, and a skewer comes clean out of the middles.

9. Leave to cool for a few minutes in the tin, and then transfer the cupcakes to a cooling rack to cool off entirely while you get on with the frosting.

10. To make the frosting, beat together the icing sugar and butter until the mixture comes together and is well mixed. At this stage, the mixture will not be a smooth, uniform mixture – it will be a very crumbly mixture. Do not be alarmed, it will all be fine once you’ve added the cream cheese.

11. Add all of the cream cheese and mix together until the mixture is light and fluffy. This should take around 5 minutes – but be very careful not to over-mix at this stage, otherwise the mixture can turn very runny, very fast. I usually err on the side of slightly under-mixing at this stage – nobody wants runny cream cheese frosting.

12. Crush the Oreo biscuits – put them in a plastic bag and pulverise them with a rolling pin.

13. Fold the crushed Oreos into the cream cheese frosting until evenly dispersed.

14. Top the cupcakes with the frosting. There are a number of ways to get a nice finish – a palette knife (or you can use the back of a spoon if you don’t have one) swirls on the frosting quite nicely. My weapon of choice is always a piping nozzle, the easiest way to get a quick, professional finish.

15. For some extra Oreo-goodness, top the cupcakes with Oreo halves. Voila! Finished! Eat!

Blueberry Muffins

Studying makes me hungry. It thoroughly amuses my mother how much food I take with me to the library. “Are you going to the library or a picnic?” she commented the other day.

In my attempts to satisfy my regular snack attacks - I have realised what a food snob I am when it comes to baking. Cakes just don’t taste as good when they’re not fresh. Brownies that are really cakes in disguise anger me. Frosting shouldn’t be rock hard – it should be soft and lovely and melt in your mouth.

Hence, time for muffin making! I turned to trusty Smitten Kitchen for this recipe. Yum!

Blueberry Muffins

(from Smitten Kitchen, with a few very minor tweaks)

Makes 10 scrumptious muffins

70g unsalted butter, at room temperature

100g white sugar

1 large egg

3/4 cup sour cream

½ teaspoon grated lemon zest (all I had on hand was some very intense lime – so I used 1/4 teaspoon of lime zest instead)

190g plain flour

1 ½ teaspoons baking powder

¼ teaspoon bicarbonate of soda

¼ teaspoon salt

100g blueberries

*

1. Preheat your oven to 375ºF/190ºC/gas mark 5. Line a muffin tray with 10 paper muffin cases.

2. Sift together the flour, baking powder, bicarbonate of soda and salt. Put aside.

3. In a large bowl, beat the butter and sugar together with an electric hand mixer, until light and fluffy.

4. To the butter and sugar mixture, add the egg and beat well.

5. Add the sour cream and lemon (or lime!) zest to this, mix.

6. Add half of the flour mixture to this and mix until just incorporated.

7. Add the remaining flour mixture and mix – stopping when all the ingredients are combined.

8. Fold in the blueberries.

9. Fill the muffin cases, no more than three quarters full.

10. Bake for 25-30 minutes, on the middle shelf. Muffins are done when a skewer comes out of the middle clean and the tops are a beautiful golden brown.

11. Take an ample supply along with you to the library, ready to satisfy all your peckish needs.*

*optional

Jurisprudence and Moonwalking

In recent weeks, my nearest and dearest have been subjected to my incessant blabbering about my Jurisprudence essay. Most of it complaining, the occasional claim to a breakthrough…but really, most of it – complaining.

I’ve decided to put it aside for a while and work on other things (mainly for sanity’s sake). Unfortunately, my unconscious has a sadistic sense of humour. A sense of humour which resulted in me having a Jurisprudential dream last night.

These are times of low.

It involved a confrontation with academic X, whose theory I’ve chosen to critique for my essay. I bump into her in the halls of my law building and the following conversation ensues:

Me: I’m doing my essay on your theory.

X: (rather worried) Really? Hmm, well I think we should have a chat. Just to make sure you’re not getting it all wrong…

Me: Yes, of course.

Fuzzy recollection of me trying to explain my ideas, and then…

X: Well, what you really must remember to do is Moonwalk.

Silence, followed by an unconvincing nod. I try to look as if I know what she’s talking about.

Me: Yes…

X: (unimpressed) Do you know what Moonwalking is?

Jackson related comment would be inappropriate here, I guess.

X: (sighs, waves hands about impatiently) It means you have to walk back on your argument. Re-trace your steps. Make sure you’ve considered all the possible viewpoints. Keep going back until you get it right.

Me: Ah. Yes. Of course.

*

Moonwalking in Jurisprudence: probably the only (un)contribution to the world of legal philosophy I shall ever make.

Even then, I suppose the real credit can only go to the man himself:

 

 

Chocolate Brownies

Chocolate Brownies

Makes 16 brownies

Based on a recipe from allrecipes.com

This is my go-to chocolate brownie recipe. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve made this – it is ridiculously easy, super quick and never disappoints. The key to this recipe: don’t overdo anything – the mixing or the baking. Absolutely do not use an electric mixer for this recipe, stir gently by hand (I prefer using a rubber spatula, but a wooden spoon would do the job just fine).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1/2 cup butter (115g)

1 cup white sugar (200g)

2 medium eggs

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

1/3 cup cocoa powder (35g)

1/2 cup plain flour (75g)

1/4 teaspoon salt

1/4 teaspoon baking powder

1. Preheat oven to 350ºF/180ºC/gas mark 4. Grease and line a  20 cm/8 inch square tin.

2. In a large pan, melt the butter. Once melted, take off the heat.

3. Add sugar to the butter and stir gently until incorporated.

4. In a medium bowl, whisk the eggs and vanilla together with a fork (only a light beating, too much will result in the brownie rising too much and then sinking).

5. Add egg mixture to pan and stir until incorporated.

6. Add cocoa powder, flour, salt and baking powder. Stir gently until everything is mixed together.

*this is the point at which you would add any additions, see below.

7. Pour into prepared tin, evening out the top with a spatula. Bake in the oven for 25-30 mins. Do not overbake.

8. Help yourself to a delicious, chocolatey, warm slice – perfectly delicious on its own, but also quite scrumptious with a scoop of vanilla ice-cream.

*Optional Additions: For the brownie purists, you can stick to the above recipe. If, however, you wish to funk things up a bit – here are some suggestions – you can add one or more of the following:

• Nutty brownies: Add 1/2 to 1 cup of nuts to the mixture, toasting the nuts for 5-10 mins if you want to enhance their flavour even more. I like to stir in half of the nuts with the mixture, and then scatter on the rest once the batter is in the pan and then push them in ever so slightly.
• For super chocoholics: If the cocoa hit just isn’t enough for you – add 1/2 to 1 cup of chocolate chips or roughly chopped chocolate to the mixture.
• Chocolate, meet orange: I love chocolate and orange, I think they make such a divine combination. To give your brownies an orangey kick, grate the zest of half an orange over the poured mixture.
• Oreo brownies: biscuits are a great way of funking up brownies – you can try varieties other than oreos, too! Add 1/2 to 1 pack of oreos – breaking them up into quarters. Stir half of them into the mixture and scatter the rest over the top of the poured mixture, pushing them in slightly.

Stressed?

Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap.

Popping virtual bubble wrap is even cheaper.

Click away.