Tag Archives: fairytale

Day 3: In Which We Meet The Evil Fat Tramp of Scowdown Valley

Day 3 of my writing challenge. Read the efforts of Day 1 and Day 2 first, so that this part makes sense!

The Evil Fat Tramp of Scowdown Valley was keen to drop the “Fat” from her title. She had engaged the services of a local dietician and put herself through a rather gruelling exercise regime. However, she had an insatiable sweet tooth, and one trip past the candy store was enough to send her back to square one (or to be more accurate, up to square let’s-not-name-the-figure).

From a very young age, she had always been in the shadow of her taller, thinner and infinitely-more-skilled-at-the-art-of-evil sister – The Old Hag from Glargistan. Their’s was a tale of sibling rivalry in its most one-sided form; there was never any real competition between the two. The Old Hag was unbeatable in all senses.

The fact that King Pompotti had summoned her and not her sister, was a source of great joy (and although she would never admit it – even greater surprise) for the Evil Fat Tramp. She had donned her foulest, evil-est looking cape (which was, unfortunately getting a bit stretched around the waist) and hurried off to the Pompotti Castle.

King Pompotti was in a terrible rage when the Evil Fat Tramp arrived. Very Influential People become Very Agitated when things they need to get done, are not getting done.

“I need you to curse that wretched girl!” He shouted, as soon as the Evil Fat Tramp entered his room.

“Of course, your majesty.” The Evil Fat Tramp gave a gracious low bow, which didn’t really manage to be very gracious at all. Furthermore, her overstretched cape chose that very moment to give up on her, and tore with a very loud, echoing rip.

King Pompotti sneered in disgust. “Please, maintain some decorum. I knew your sister would have been a better choice.”

“Your majesty, I assure you that anything my sister can do, I can do better!”

King Pompotti snorted. “How about fifty sit-ups?”

The comment, the Evil Fat Tramp felt, was rather uncalled for. She tried to brush it off as she pointed out, “Well, you must have chosen me for a reason, your majesty!”

“Yes. The reason being that your sister is foolishly infatuated with the parents of that wretched Princess Sweetheart. I trust you have no similar disease of the heart?”

The Evil Fat Tramp shook her head vigorously. “Most certainly not, your majesty! What would you like me to do?”

“I need you to teach their foul-mouthed offspring a lesson. Curse her like you’ve never cursed anyone before!”

“Of course, your majesty!” The Evil Fat Tramp chose not to disclose the fact that she had actually never cursed anyone before. Curses were a Big Deal in the world of evil, and all things that were a Big Deal got offered to her sister instead. The Evil Fat Tramp had only ever received requests for minor hexes and the like, jobs that her dearest sister deemed to be too menial.

But she could do this, she was sure of it. This was her one big chance to prove her evil-ness to the world, and she was determined not to mess it up. It was time to brush the dust off her copy of ‘An Idiot’s Guide to Curses’.

(That the book was written by her sister was a fact that the Evil Fat Tramp tried to forget. She had even tried to burn her sister’s name off the cover, numerous times. However, it would always re-appear five minutes later. Damn her sister and her superior skills.)

If the Evil Fat Tramp had her way, Princess Sweetheart’s life was about to become very difficult, indeed…

To Be Continued…

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Day 2: In Which the Princess Insults an Influential Baby

Day 2 of my writing challenge. Read the efforts of Day 1 here.

There were many things that irritated Princess Sweetheart. Birdsong in the mornings. Too much syrup on her pancakes. Her stupid, stupid name. But none of these things irritated her quite so much as babies did. Silly, gurgling, what-on-earth-is-all-the-fuss-about babies. Smelly, crying, pooping babies. Seriously, she could never understand why most human beings within a five foot radius of a screeching infant suddenly seemed to drop twenty IQ points.

“Listen! She’s saying Mama!”

Princess Sweetheart stared down at the fat baby that was being shoved towards her arms. “Really?” She raised an eyebrow. “I didn’t hear Mama.”

“Wait, she’ll say it again, won’t you Mama? Mami-mama-googoo-baby, yes you will!” The baby’s mother proceeded to gargle in a language that sounded pretty repugnant to Princess Sweetheart’s ears. In the midst of this, the baby did blurt something out.

“I think I heard it this time.”

“Isn’t it just adorable? Mama.”

“I heard mammoth.”

“Excuse-me?”

“Mammoth. As in huge, humongous. Maybe he’s noticed that you haven’t managed to shift your baby weight.”

Her eyes flared viciously. “I’ve lost six pounds this week! AND SHE’S A GIRL!”

Princess Sweetheart shrugged. “Easy mistake. Babies all look the same, anyway.” She peered down at the tubby infant. “Although, your kid does have an unusually large nose. What did the doctor say about that?”

The exchange that followed must be censored, dear reader. Let’s just say the mother was not at all pleased that her darling baby was being insulted in such a blunt fashion. And Princess Sweetheart was never one to shy away from a heated argument. Things got pretty nasty, very quickly.

As unpleasant as all of this was, it might not have been all that catastrophic in usual circumstances. However, the circumstances were not at all usual. Princess Sweetheart had not just insulted any ordinary baby. She had insulted a VIB (Very Influential Baby). The baby in question was the child of King Pompotti, who was the most influential and important King in all the lands far, far away. As he was so influential and important, people actually saw very little of him – influential and important equals busy, busy. In fact, he was so busy that he had never actually met the King and Queen of Pleasantville. His secretary had always handled all the necessary correspondence.

The invitation that landed Princess Sweetheart in King Pompotti’s castle was actually in the name of her parents. Unfortunately, since they had both come down with the flu and were unable to attend the festivities, they sent their daughter as their representative.

Big mistake.

(To the credit of the King and Queen of Pleasantville, along with their daughter, they had also sent thirty bunches of flowers, five baskets full of the Queen’s scones and the most charming and endearing ‘sorry we couldn’t make it’ note. Unbeknownst to them, Princess Sweetheart had chucked out the flowers since the smell made her nauseous, ate the scones because the journey made her hungry and threw out the note just for the sheer hell of it.)

King Pompotti had not yet had the chance to be enchanted by the niceness of Princess Sweetheart’s parents. However, one thing was for certain – Princess Sweetheart had enraged him (dear reader, here’s a free tip: don’t insult babies in front of their parents – it will never lead to Good Things).

Princess Sweetheart was promptly kicked out of the castle, which was no bad thing in her view, since the entire household of Pompotti seemed like dreadful bores. Little did she know, no more than five minutes after she had left the premises, another person had been summoned to the castle by the King’s orders…

The Evil Fat Tramp of Scowdown Valley…

To Be Continued

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Day 1: In Which the Princess has no USP

Day 1 of my writing challenge. I spent far more time thinking about what I wanted to write than actually writing. The ideas that I mulled the most over all got thrown in the bin. The story below marks the beginning of an entirely random and unplanned adventure. Enjoy :).

The King and Queen of Pleasantville were the nicest, sweetest couple in all the lands far, far away. They were never at war with neighbouring kingdoms, since no-one had the heart to argue with folk who were so polite (and the Queen’s delightful scones were an instant pacifier for even the meanest souls). Their citizens were equally cheerful, since the generosity of their rulers knew no limits (four day weekends and free healthcare, to name a few perks). And ever since the King sent him a giant fire-resistant patchwork blanket for his birthday, the Evil Dragon of Garswick Mountains stopped using his fire-breathing for destruction and became the local co-ordinator for bonfire nights and barbecues instead.

However, amidst all the sunshine and laughter, all was not well. The King and Queen had a big problem. Their daughter, Princess Sweetheart, was without a USP (Unique Selling Point). Now, it is a truth universally acknowledged in all the lands far, far away that all eligible princes in possession of dashing smiles must be in want of a princess with a USP. Rapunzel had her golden locks, Sleeping Beauty was immune to alarm clocks and Princess Luna of the neighbouring kingdom of Lipton had a singing voice like the bark of a wolf.

How does one come to develop a USP? Simple – you need to make someone very evil, very angry. Tick off a bitter old witch – and bam! She’ll curse your dear princess behind. Annoy an evil stepmother – and score! That poisoned orange juice at brunch will enchant you away to a solitary tower somewhere in a land ever further, further away.

Without a USP, princes do not come-a-calling. Fact.

The King and Queen of Pleasantville simply found themselves unable to make anyone angry. All villains and witches directed their evil plans towards other kingdoms, and saved all their good, poison-free apples for their visits to Pleasantville (especially the Old Hag from Glargistan, who was an avid farmer in her spare time).

The years passed, and Princess Sweetheart edged ever closer to her thirtieth birthday, still without a USP to her name. The King and Queen became ever more anxious that their sweet, beloved daughter was to remain a lonesome spinster for life.

But here’s the dealio, dear reader: Princess Sweetheart was not ‘sweet’ at all. In fact, she was perfectly horrid. Her parents were blindly oblivious to this; in their eyes she was the sweetest of darlings. And since they were the nicest folks that ever were, nobody had the heart to break it to them that they had given birth to a certified meanie. Grumpy, scowling and deeply anti-social; Princess Sweetheart was the antithesis of her name. Many a villain found themselves tempted to curse her after making her acquaintance, but the sweet nature of her parents had somehow managed to shield her from evil throughout her life. As much as she was nasty, their niceness just always seemed to balance it all out.

However, Princess Sweetheart’s luck (of lack of, depending on your perspective) was about to run out. The fateful month of her thirtieth birthday is where our story really begins…

To Be Continued…

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